Thursday, June 5, 2014

Sex And Anger

With the recent cases of violence against women we hear more talk about the way dating and sex are happening in our culture. There are a lot of theories about what is at the root of it all. Why do men behave badly? Why do they get so angry when women won't have sex with them? These murders are obviously an extreme example but this kind of anger is a thing. We are finding similar sentiments expressed in many ways. 

In recent times women have been trying to deal with promiscuous men by being promiscuous themselves. This is especially true in the modern college dating scene but has generally been the case over the past few decades. Feminism has pushed the idea that women's liberation means normalizing more sex with more partners and less commitment. The theory is that men do it so women should do it as well. 

It has led to a race to the bottom. Men seem to want to be more sexual than women. If women are going to suggest sex by the third date then they will suggest it on the first date. When women move to the first date then men will move to the first conversation. Neither gender wants to put on the brakes. Women because of their commitment to feminism and men because they naturally want to initiate sex. 

What is missing here is the context that sex belongs in. Sex is supposed to be connected to marriage and pregnancy. Without those connections we have something that seems like it should be serious but nobody can really see why that is so. It leads to a lot of confusion. People making sexual choices they can't really explain. 

Do they need to explain them? Yes and No. Certainly everyone has the right to refuse to sleep with someone and not owe them an explanation. Yet people will speculate as to what the real reason might be. There is something about sex that spawns endless speculation. 

Elliot Rodger had the notion that these women were sleeping with a lot of men but not with him. Not sure how true that is but you can see his frustration. Sex is treated as something very important and very trivial at the same time. 

When you lose a game for reasons that don't make sense to you then you can get angry. Yet it is just a game. When the game is sex you can't dismiss losing so easily. It causes you to question your manhood. So the anger you feel at losing the game becomes deeper and more powerful. 

Many people seem to feel the solution is to just tell men not to get frustrated when women don't sleep with them. If they do we will just call them misogynists. I don't think that is going to work. Male sexual frustration is just a fact of life that is not going to go away.

The truth is even the "winners" in the promiscuous sex culture don't have a high view of women. They don't have the same anger because they are getting sex once in a while but rejection still happens. Even when it does not, constant intimate acts without honest intimacy promotes a coldness. 

The solution is to tie sex to the serious business of building relationships and even marriages. Then the anger and frustration get turned into something positive. I need to learn how to be emotionally intimate with a woman. I need to make women view me as marriage material. 

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